From Default to Design: The Courage to Choose Your Relationship

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, or read my book, you know that Esther Perel is one of my life heroes. Her work has reached and influenced me deeply, as it is clearly doing for millions of others around the world.

Today I listened to an episode of her podcast, Where Shall We Begin, that felt particularly powerful, and I wanted to share it with you.

Like most meaningful internal work, the episode isn’t about just one thing - it is about a web of things. A network of stories we carry inside ourselves and the rub that happens when those stories collide with the outside world. Our outside world.

In this episode, a woman who has already done an admiral amount of personal work around difficult parental dynamics finds herself in a place she never expected to be: a non-monogamous relationship.

That’s where the tension begins.

The conversation is framed around jealousy: The headline emotion of the non-monogamy world.

When I talk about jealousy, whether with clients or in my own life, I often ask a simple question: What information is jealousy trying to give you?

Because that’s the job of emotions. They carry information.

Ignoring them is ignoring a part of ourselves. It would be disrespectful not to listen, yet, that’s exactly what we often do.

We judge ourselves for feeling jealousy and try to push it away. OR, the opposite and it takes over completely and drives the entire situation, which usually only validates our fear of it and has us again push it away next time. The hamster wheel.

What’s beautiful about this conversation is that this woman does the courageous thing; she listens. She gets curious about what the jealousy might be trying to say.

It’s brave. It’s honest. And it’s very real.

What I appreciate even more about the episode is that jealousy turns out to be only one piece of the puzzle.

Another layer - one that Esther doesn’t call out directly, but that is clearly present - is the challenge of simply being in a non-monogamous relationship in the first place.

This is something I talk about with clients all the time.

The “case” for monogamy is strong - not because it’s morally superior or inherently right for everyone, but because it’s the story most of us have deeply internalized. We hear this in this woman’s experience.

So much of the advice she receives from friends is some version of: Run. Get out. Leave.

Even though she describes being in a relationship that is emotionally mature, supportive, and thoughtful.

That tension - the conflict between the relationship she’s experiencing and the cultural script she’s been given - is incredibly common.

Then Esther does what Esther does so brilliantly.

Without dismissing the jealousy, without dismissing the fear, she reframes the situation around something I talk about constantly: conscious choice.

At one point she says something that made me fall in love with her all over again (yes, I absolutely have a celebrity crush):

“Make the default a design.”

In other words, instead of unconsciously inheriting the relationship structure we were all given, choose it. Design it. Decide it. Instead of living into the default narrative of our internal stories, listen to them, and then choose.

In just a short conversation, she helps this woman untangle the many narratives that were bundled together in the episode’s question and title, “Am I letting jealousy ruin this?”

What emerges is something much more interesting than a simple yes or no. Shared stories are powerful. They help us see ourselves more clearly. If any part of this conversation resonates with you, I highly recommend listening to the episode. This woman’s vulnerability is extraordinary, and it serves a real purpose.

After listening to this episode, I found myself feeling a little more compassion, a little more curiosity and remarkably, a little more in love with humanity. Here’s the link again if you missed it earlier in the post: Where Shall We Begin, “Am I Letting Jealousy Ruin This?”