The Cruise That Changed My Mind

When I was in my 20s, I went on a cruise and decided, definitively, that I was not a cruise person.

Fast forward a couple decades, and my family and I went on an Alaskan cruise. It was beautiful, majestic and also… mildly irritating. So many rules. So many restrictions. It’s understandable - they are responsible for a lot of humans with wildly different ages and athletic abilities, but still. I felt managed.

And yet.

For years, my husband and I have talked to couples who rave about lifestyle cruises. So when I was invited to attend Fantasea Connections as an educator, which is, hands down, my favorite role, I immediately said yes.

My husband couldn’t come, so I brought a friend of mine as my assistant. Two women boarding a lifestyle cruise together - I was curious how we’d be received.

Answer? Very well. 😏 I know, I know, not THAT surprising – but with the couples-only scene, I wondered a little bit.

Smex, drugs and rock-n-roll

There were two bands onboard who were not in the lifestyle. My assistant and I happened to board with them, so we struck up conversations right away.

They didn’t “look” like the others.

And yes, I’m going to say this: swingers, generally speaking, are more fit than average, more tan than average, and dress sexier (or at least more intentionally) than average. Of course there’s a range in that - but there’s a noticeable level of self-expression and body comfort that stands out.

These guys in the bands? Not that vibe. Mixing vanilla folks with a lifestyle event? Always questionable, right!? I mean, they knew what “type” of cruise it was, but, did could they really know? Of course not.

I wondered how this whole thing would land with them. What would they think?

We ended up hanging out with a few of them over the week. At dinner one night, one of them said, “Honestly, I think this is how life should be. People are so free - everyone is socializing with one another. It’s amazing.”

We just looked at each other and smiled.

Because, yessssss. That’s it.

It wasn’t about sex. It was about the energy. The openness. The friendliness.

By the last night, the lead singer stood on stage and said something that honestly gave me chills:

“When we came on this cruise, we got on the boat and we were really judging everyone. Then, very quickly, we made friends with many of you and we’ve had a great time.” He actually said, “You all make us want to be better people.”

That’s smex, drugs and personal growth. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean.

The Fun Exceeded My Expectations

I had a GREAT time. Way more fun than I might have expected.

I’ve been to Desire and Hedo and I love both, but there was something about this cruise crowd. I still haven’t put my finger on it, but it felt even more open. More socially fluid.

Now, taking my extroverted friend/assistant with me may have helped (having an extrovert on your arm is just a smart move), but I spoke with many first-time cruisers and almost every single one said the same thing:

“This is way more fun than I thought it would be.”

I will speculate that the size of this cruise was pretty near perfect. This is a “smaller” boat with around 1,100 rooms, to my understanding. Big enough to meet lots of people – small enough that you could actually run into them again and again. There were some people that I fully meant to / wanted to run into (The Impulsive Duo) – but never did – but I also ran into some that I knew and didn’t know they were going, so that was fun too.

I don’t know – maybe it’s a ship mentality – we are all truly in this together… that created the fun vibe – I’m not sure, but I guess I don’t need to understand it – I just enjoyed it.

The Real Conversations (Because They’re Always There)

Here’s what I love about this community.

In the middle of a ship full of theme nights, pool parties, and sexy outfits… a place where, from the outside, it might seem we are there only to party and play (wink wink), there are real conversations happening. Very real. Connection.

I met one group of people that was so kind and welcoming. I ended up sitting in a chair, talking with the guy about…life…for a while. We edited some photos of mine for social media together (my assistant and I had just gotten back from a ‘photo shoot’ for social media posting) and then sat and talked as the sun started to go down. We remarked how we both felt we were sharing a bit of a magical moment out on this beautiful day with beautiful people making beautiful friends.

There were other kinds of real too. When people learned of my role on the boat, they would also open up. One woman told me she and her husband were in year 31 of marriage and that every decade, like clockwork, they go through a huge transition. A rough patch. A reinvention. They were in the middle of it now.

Another couple found out what I do and their eyes got wide. “Do you have a card?” they asked.

Because here’s the truth:

Relationship struggle is normal, not the exception. Monogamous, open, poly, gay, swinging…any long-term relationship has its ups and downs.

Ok, so one couple told me they’d been married for decades and scarcely fought about anything. They both remembered what it was about. They truly are the exception.

My perception is that lifestyle couples often have a very high bar for happiness and high-function. We are not a people who settle for hum-drum. We do fun very well - better than most, frankly. We prioritize connection, adventure, play. That’s not something every long-term couple manages to sustain.

But if you’re going to have that high a bar for joy… you also have to be able to do the hard stuff well; communication, agreements and boundaries, and repair. Accountability and ownership.

The challenge that is more real for us is this; learning how to hold both freedom and security at the same time.

That’s the real work.

Teaching in the Middle of the Ocean

I ran eight workshops on the boat. There is something wildly satisfying about watching couples choose connection in the middle of a floating playground.

They showed up. They participated. They laughed. They leaned toward each other (very literally in a couple of my more sensual experiences).

The willingness to experiment - not just sexually, but emotionally - is what makes this community special.

ENM, or lifestyle, can be anything you want it to be… as long as everyone knows about it and everyone is enthusiastically consenting (from my website).

I’ll add this:

It can also be a mirror.

A mirror for your judgment (just as often, judging oneself). A mirror for your communication patterns. A mirror for how much fun you’re actually willing to allow into your life.

So… Am I a Cruise Person Now?

Apparently, yes.

I can’t wait to go back.

Not just for the outfits, excursions or parties, but for the reminder that when you put a few thousand open-minded adults on a boat together… something beautiful happens.

Judgment softens.
Strangers become friends.
Fun becomes intentional.
And growth sneaks in when you weren’t even looking for it.

For better… or even better. 💫

If you’ve ever been curious about a lifestyle cruise and wondered, What’s it really like? Here’s my answer:

It’s human.
It’s joyful.
It’s imperfect.
It’s connective.

Like everything, I suppose, you may get out of it what you put into it, but I felt with minimal effort into the social scene, it was just a very good time. It was one of my top lifestyle experiences and that’s saying a lot.

The cruise changed my mind.

But what it really reminded me is this: when couples intentionally choose fun and growth, everything expands.

That’s the energy I love creating - whether on a boat or at one of my retreats.

Because connection doesn’t just happen.

We build it.

Check out my Conscious Couple Mountain Retreats coming up in April.