Openly undefined
The Heart & Soul of Non-Monogamy
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Ethical non-monogamy takes on many “forms”… polyamory, swinging, open marriage and everything in between. The thing about going non-traditional is that it gives you liberty to create what you want. Well, as long as everyone is aware and everyone is consenting. My husband and I classify as swingers, or in “the lifestyle.” We’ve met swingers who do swing, but don’t ‘identify’ with that term. We’ve met polyamorous couples who swing, and those who don’t. Actually, I have found that most open-relationship folks don’t really like to define themselves…it’s that whole non-traditional thing. The one thing we all have in common is being “open” to one degree or another. Open can be ridiculous amounts of fun. Open can be obscene amounts of sexiness. Open can also be complex. This is a blog about all of it.
If you find yourself unfamiliar with some of the terminology (common at first), here’s a Glossary of Terms to help.
Cap d’Agde: My Unfiltered Review
At some point in the lifestyle, most people hear about this place - Cap d’Agde. A tiny town on the Mediterranean in southern France with an entire gated neighborhood called the village naturiste. Just 3,500 year-round residents, but in summer, I read that it’s closer to 200,000. It’s not a resort. It’s not a hotel. It’s a whole (little) town where the dress code is…optional.
My husband and I decided this was the year to see what all the hype was about.
Great Play Starts with Great Agreements
Some people hear the word agreements or boundaries and think of rules, restrictions, or a list of “don’ts.” I see them differently.
Agreements are an act of love.
They say, “I care enough about you—and us—to be clear, to be honest, and to create a space where we can both feel free… and safe.”
Desire, Not Duty: Honoring Your Yes (and Your No)
One of the most important things I teach is this: you are never obligated to play. Ever. In swinging, the only expectation should be mutual enthusiasm. And yet, it can feel like there’s pressure—sometimes from others, but often from within. Because even if someone else is hoping or assuming, it only becomes a problem if we override our own truth to accommodate it.
The beauty in letting go
In the beginning I thought ENM was all about adding new relationships—new play, new people, new experiences - but lately, I’ve been thinking more about subtraction. About what needs to be let go of in order to actually build something new.
The Freedom to Be Loud, Sexy, and Fully You
This kind of freedom—of self-expression, of identity, of desire—is a big reason people love the lifestyle. It’s a space where people from all walks of life get to stretch into their authenticity. Where we get to shed the rules we didn’t necessarily agree to and ask, “Who am I really, when I’m not trying to follow those rules?”
Even better
When we explore relationships with more awareness and intention, monogamy can be even better. And by considering options beyond monogamy, non-monogamy can open doors to experiences and connections that could make life and relationships even better.
One hell of a first night- Our introduction to swinging
So, you’ve decided to try swinging or the lifestyle with your partner, but have no idea where to start? Join the club—we’ve all been there. Let me share my personal experience of how we dove in headfirst.
Reclaiming the term “Swinger” #SwingerPride
Language is powerful. It unites, divides, and, most importantly, shapes how we see ourselves and how others see us. Over the years, certain words have carried negative connotations, creating stigmas that linger long after their initial usage. For those of us in the ethically non-monogamous (ENM) community, one of those words is swinger. But just like queer in the LGBTQ+ community and slut in the sex-positive movement, I feel swinger is ripe for reclamation. #SwingerPride
Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Conscious Choice
When you start thinking about non-monogamy—even if you don’t pursue it—it opens your mind to the possibilities of what relationships can look like. This shift in perspective often helps couples have more meaningful conversations about their relationship, needs, and expectations. By considering, or even just learning about non-monogamy, you give yourself and your partner the freedom to explore what’s best for you, rather than what society says is right. For many, probably even most, that journey brings them back to monogamy, but this time, it’s a conscious, empowered choice.
#filf
Why is FILF not a thing? To my knowledge, and everyone that I’ve asked since I started wondering about it, this is not a thing. I’ll admit it’s a slightly awkward acronym, it sounds a bit like a word teenagers might use to describe someone who should shower more often— “Yeah, that guy is such a FILF,--- he doesn’t shower after basketball practice.” DILFs? Seen slightly more often, but it’s not for me—it screams “daddy issues” to me, and I’ve never been able to stomach the ‘daddy’ thing during sex. So, I’m sticking with FILF for the sake of this post. I have a couple ideas around why it’s not popular, but follow along and I’d love to know what you think.
Communication in the Lifestyle: The Value of Emotional Transparency and Vulnerability
This article was written for AltLife Magazine, writing to the topic of: Communication between spouses, and the importance of transparency in the Lifestyle.
good life choices
We looked at each other with big smiles on our faces, feeling so grateful for good friends and the men waiting on us. Funny enough, we remember it differently in who delivered the next line (I give her credit, she gives it to me) but it was something like, “Wow, I think we’ve made some really good life choices to bring us to a moment like this.” We laughed then and it has become an ongoing thing for us. We’ve had so many moments since that one where we say out loud, “Good life choices!” and we know what we mean. Sexy moments, funny moments, and mind-blowing friendship moments.
soccer mom turned dungeon slut
After my research project, you better believe I went back to that man’s wife and told her I did indeed want him to dom me. We had several more encounters where I was slowly introduced to a dominant/submissive dynamic and some impact play. I discovered that I am a masochist and that pain turns me on! I could cum solely from being spanked. What the hell? Who was I?
Three Tips to Start Your ENM Journey
They say, and I agree, that the start of any project is the hardest part. This is a question I get a lot, “We are both interested, but how do we start?” Transitioning your marriage or monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous relationship is one big project, if you will. It might be even harder to start this project than others because of the seemingly—and real—high emotional stakes. Starting a new diet or a new business seems easy in comparison!
the first time i said no
When considering swinging many people are concerned that there is some expectation to have sex with anyone and everyone. Conversely, some might hope that they can have sex with anyone and everyone. Neither, of course, are at all true. Navigating rejection, however, can feel tricky, in the beginning for sure and sometimes even for experienced people.
what you want
There is a bit of a mantra that exists on the homepage of my website. I cite it often, and it is this: ENM, or Lifestyle, can be anything you want it to be as long as everyone knows about it and everyone is enthusiastically consenting. I truly believe this. My opinion about one of the most challenging parts of ENM, however, might be surprising and that part is “anything you want.” Non-Monogamy doesn’t come with many guidelines so getting clear on what you actually want can be difficult. To help this process, one thing I recommend to everyone is that you get pretty good at checking in with yourself, listening to yourself, and expressing yourself.
Life, Augmented
I was a practical mid-western girl, and I filed those breasts away with things I would never have. Now, this maybe-less-practical middle-aged woman has them! Getting them was easy. Thinking about getting them was harder. As a raised-to-be-practical mid-western over-thinking feminist, I had a few things to work through first.
am i an ethical slut?
I don’t feel responsible for other people’s relationships. If he had wanted to cheat on his wife, it’s not really my job to protect her. That viewpoint might ruffle some feathers—and seem contradictory to my feminist, pro-woman stance—but the way I see it is if someone’s partner is cheating on them, they’ve got bigger issues than what I can be responsible for. Because I say no to someone, I’m helping save their marriage? Um, no. I do, however, have a feeling about the energy that is brought into an experience.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
In lifestyle settings, I noticed a difference around this right away. Maybe this is because we didn’t start swinging until our 40s, which is common, so we’ve all matured into better human beings. Maybe it’s because there is less “pursuing” because you are already with your spouse/partner/FWB. Whatever the reason, it is a more respectful environment and that means women can be their sexual selves.
A slut’s everyday guide to vaginal health
I am not a medical professional. I am an experienced slut and I’ve learned a lot. This is definitely not “medical advice” but it is what I have learned from my own and my friends’ experiences. An Everyday-Practical Guide, for sure not a medical one. Female health when in the lifestyle is extraordinarily important. OK, so is male health, but for anyone who has a vagina, our cases are more complicated. This topic is not just important to one’s health, but also one’s mental health. One cannot be a happy and healthy slut if one is constantly anxious and afraid.