Offense vs. Defense: The Hidden Game Playing Out in Every Relationship

I’m not a big one for sports analogies, but at my last retreat, during the final integration ceremony, a couple shared something that everyone in the room understood immediately.

They said, “We’ve been defensive about our relationship. We get help when we’re in trouble. This retreat… it made us want to start playing offense.”

The whole circle nodded.

Defense is common because why take the time when we have so many other things demanding our attention? All of us have defaulted to “deal with it later” at some point. I’ve absolutely been guilty of this in my own marriage.

“Defensive” relational habits don’t come from neglect or lack of care.
Often, they come from very human things:

A desire not to rock the boat - why fix what isn’t broken?
A worry that naming a discomfort will suddenly turn it into a mountain.
Or sometimes, a simple truth: time is precious, and when we finally get a moment to ourselves, we’d rather do something fun.

Which leads to a few new questions:

What if the “offensive” stuff is fun - far more fun than dealing with a breakdown?

What if investing in the relationship actually makes all the fun stuff even better?

Defense Mode: When Love Becomes a Fire Drill

A defensive strategy isn’t wrong. It isn’t a sign that you don’t care.
It’s just… often less enjoyable and usually more stressful.

Defense can look like:

• Tackling issues only when they explode

• Saying “we’re fine” or “I’m fine” when you’re not

• Hoping things magically get better once life “calms down”

• Treating intimacy and connection like optional bonuses

• Waiting until resentment has made a home in your heart

Defense is reactive.
It waits until something demands attention.

And sometimes that’s simply because we’re stretched thin by work, family, stress, or the season we’re in. It’s understandable - it is just not always satisfying.

Offense: The Relationship Shift That Changes Everything

When that couple said they wanted to be offensive, they didn’t mean being confrontational - they meant making deposits into the emotional bank account before it gets low.

They meant choosing maintenance over meltdown, care over crisis.

Offense looks like:

• Getting support when things are good, not only when they’re strained

• Revisiting agreements before they start to fray

• Checking in on intimacy - not just frequency, but feelings

• Learning emotional tools before you’re under pressure

• Seeing the relationship as something that thrives with consistent attention

Offense is intentional.
It’s nourishing.
It’s choosing to shape your relationship rather than only manage it.

Why Offense Matters Even More in ENM

Ethical non-monogamy - swinging, polyamory, open relationships - is an expansive, creative space.
It also tends to illuminate whatever is already happening inside the relationship.

That’s not a flaw of ENM. It’s actually one of its gifts.

Couples who thrive in ENM aren’t the ones without challenges.
They’re the ones who understand that relationships evolve and they choose to evolve with them.

They’re curious.
They check their blind spots before merging into new relational lanes.
They treat connection like an ecosystem that deserves regular tending.

Defense waits until jealousy shows up loud.
Offense talks about jealousy long before it becomes an issue.

Defense waits for agreements to break.
Offense revisits them as dynamic, living ideas.

Defense assumes growth happens from adversity alone.
Offense assumes growth can happen anytime, even when things feel great.

Retreats Create the Spark. Offense Keeps It Alive.

The couple who shared this insight had just spent a weekend connecting, expanding, laughing, crying, unlearning, and discovering deeper truths about themselves and each other.

Retreats are magical that way.
They open a gentle window where honesty feels possible, where new ideas feel accessible, and where old stories loosen just enough to breathe.

But the real magic happens after the retreat.

The decision to play offense usually happens in the circle.
The practice of playing offense happens on the Tuesday after when life is loud, your inbox is overflowing, and your partner does that “thing” again.

That’s where proactive relationships are built.

This Is Exactly Why I Created the Conscious Couples Immersion Program

It is for couples who don’t want transformation to be a once-a-year event.
They want it woven into the fabric of their lives.

They want support when things feel good, not only when things feel hard.
They want structure and rhythm around connection.
They want emotional safety, communication, boundaries, and play to be ongoing practices.

Inside the Immersion Program, you get:

• Continuous touchpoints to keep your connection tended

• Regular guidance that strengthens your relational muscles

• Tools before you need them so ENM can feel grounded and fun

• Community, which adds depth, affirmation, and perspective

• A yearly retreat for recalibration and deeper work

It’s offense by design.
It’s relationship nourishment, not relationship repair. Well, it can be repair, too.

So Ask Yourself…

Are we mostly playing defense?

Or are we building the relationship we actually want through small, steady, loving steps? (One of my favorite Gottman quotes is something like: In life, It’s important to not sweat the small stuff. In love, sweat the small stuff.)

The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who avoid struggle.
They’re the ones who stop letting struggle dictate when they grow.

If you want this year to be more intentional - more “let’s build what we want now,” this is exactly what the Immersion Program was created for.

And offense?
Offense is where you score all of the points, where you get ahead. (Not bad for someone who is not much of a sports fan, right?:))

If the Conscious Couples Immersion Program is intriguing to you - click to learn more.