The Sex Drive Mismatch: Why ENM Can Make It More Obvious, Not Less
This blog post is a summary of the SDC Afternoon Delight I did recently. You can catch the video on my YouTube channel here.
Sex drive mismatches are incredibly common in long-term relationships, monogamous or non. But when couples step into ethical non-monogamy or the swinging lifestyle hoping to solve that mismatch, they often discover something surprising (and sometimes painful): the mismatch becomes even more obvious.
This mismatch is actually the one “challenge” that can be improved with conscious ENM choices and practices, but it depends on a lot of factors. The other reality is that ENM tends to magnify challenges that already exist in a relationship: desire differences, communication gaps, insecurities, people-pleasing, and especially the subtle places where we avoid our own truth.
After seven years in the lifestyle, twenty-plus in my marriage, and coaching couples full-time, I see the same three mismatch patterns show up again and again:
A pre-existing sex drive mismatch couples try to “fix” with ENM
A mismatch that worsens or flips once they begin playing
A lifestyle-specific mismatch - one partner simply wants the lifestyle more than the other
Let’s break these down and explore what actually helps.
1. Using ENM to “Fix” a Sex Drive Mismatch
This is a common starting point. Everything else in the relationship feels solid, but one partner wants sex more often than the other. The logic becomes: “If we open up, the high-desire partner can get what they need without pressuring the lower-desire partner.” In theory, yes. In practice, it works only in very specific circumstances.
Why this often fails:
The high-desire partner may struggle to find compatible dates (especially heterosexual men, who statistically face more difficulty in lifestyle dating).
If the additional sex isn’t emotionally connecting, it can increase their desire for sex with their primary partner, not decrease it.
The lower-desire partner may say yes to be “supportive,” but then struggle with jealousy, resentment, or the painful belief:
“I’m not enough.”If either partner is participating from obligation rather than genuine interest, ENM will harm the relationship rather than help it.
And most importantly:
If you don’t genuinely want to be in the lifestyle, if you don’t like the idea of your partner being with others, ENM won’t fix a mismatch. It will amplify it.
2. When the Mismatch Flips
This one surprises couples the most.
Sometimes the lower-desire partner suddenly blossoms in the lifestyle:
They love the novelty
They love the social connection
They love the flirting and confidence boost
They discover they do want to explore with others
And suddenly, the original higher-desire partner is the one struggling.
Now we hear:
“Wait… so you have energy for them but not for me?”
“You want to go out without me?”
“You’re going to come home from a date and not want sex with me?”
This reversal stirs deep insecurities about desirability, worthiness, and identity. And it often leads directly into the next dynamic.
3. The Lifestyle Mismatch (Not Necessarily About Sex at All)
Sometimes the mismatch isn’t about sex drive at all - it’s about appetite for the lifestyle itself.
One partner thrives on:
meeting new people
the social buzz
the sensual and emotional intensity
the novelty
the identity expansion
The other partner may enjoy sex and the social scene, but not at the same frequency - or they may need more downtime, more predictability, or simply less stimulation.
This can be an introvert–extrovert clash, an energy-level difference, or just different social needs. But it can quickly become a source of:
resentment
pressure
people-pleasing
guilt
withdrawal
the feeling of “not being enough”
And here’s where the biggest complication emerges…
The Real Problem: Obligation Kills Desire
I’ve often said that expectation kills desire.
But this nuance might be even more accurate: Obligation kills desire.
When someone feels they should go on a date, should play, should keep up, or should be “fun” tonight, their desire shuts down. Their body closes. And they often blame the lifestyle instead of the internal pressure.
A useful reframing:
Expectation → Anticipation
Pressure → Possibility
Not “What’s expected of me?”
But: “What do I want? What feels possible or exciting for me tonight?”
When we shift from obligation to truth, desire becomes something we choose, not something we owe.
So… What Actually Helps?
1. Stand in your truth—always.
Not your partner’s preference.
Not what you think you “should” want.
Not what feels easiest in the moment.
Ask yourself:
Do I truly want to be in the lifestyle?
Do I enjoy my partner being with others?
Do I feel pressure to stay “fun” or “easy”?
Am I afraid to disappoint my partner?
If an answer feels uncomfortable, that discomfort is truth trying to surface.
2. Redefine “success” in ENM
Success is not:
matching desire
having the same level of social energy
going on the same number of dates
Success is:
emotional safety
sovereignty
clarity
repair
honesty
consideration
These are what sustain ENM, not frequency or performance.
3. Create clear reconnection agreements
If someone plays separately, reconnection needs to be discussed beforehand.
This might include:
cuddling before sleep
showering together
a short debrief
no sex (if someone is tired)
yes sex (if both want it)
gentle touch
simply holding each other
The goal is intimacy, not performance.
4. Watch for people-pleasing
If you catch yourself thinking:
“I don’t want to disappoint them…”
“It’s easier if I just go along…”
“Maybe I should want this…”
That’s abandonment of self.
And nothing kills desire, or relationships, faster.
5. Replace assumptions with communication
Most “expectations” are imagined, not real.
Check your stories.
Check your assumptions.
Check your internalized pressure.
ENM gets infinitely easier when you stop arguing with the narratives in your head and start talking to the person in front of you.
In the End… ENM Doesn’t Fix the Mismatch - It Illuminates It
Sex drive mismatches aren’t a flaw in the relationship.
They are a dynamic to be navigated consciously.
ENM won’t fix the mismatch.
But it will show you exactly where the deeper work is.
And that deeper work is almost always:
truth
communication
courage
consideration
emotional safety
self-honoring
Most couples I’ve coached in the lifestyle encounter this territory at some point. You are not alone. The goal isn’t to match each other’s sex drive. The goal is to understand each other’s truth and build a relationship resilient enough to hold both your differences and your desires.