Baby I’m Worth it

Lately, I’ve been noticing a theme weaving through my conversations, coaching sessions, and what I’ve been watching; the complicated, often unspoken dance between value and worth. Whether it’s in dating, the lifestyle, or our own heads, it’s time we talk about how we measure it… and how we can stop.

First, I watched a film I recommend called Materialists. It’s a story about dating, relationships, and ultimately marriage. The film dives into how each of us assigns “value” in the dating market. Taller men are valued more than shorter men. Pretty women more than plain. Education matters to everyone. One of the characters – a wealthy man - even underwent leg-lengthening surgery to gain six inches - “a well-worth-it investment,” he says.

Then, I caught a video clip with Scott Galloway citing research showing that men can “buy” height with income  - the rough equation being $10k per inch. It was like the movie, but in real life. None of it’s “wrong.” Or is it? It does seem to be how the dating world often works, at least to some degree.

The movie ends by tossing those equations out the window. The main character chooses love - a man who can’t offer financial stability but can offer “real love.” My friend and I debated whether that would actually happen in real life. You can watch it and tell me what you think.

But it got me thinking - not just about dating in the “vanilla” world, but also how this shows up in the lifestyle.

The Price of Preference

In swinging, you’d think those external “value” systems would dissolve. After all, we’re not looking for life partners - we are looking for connection, chemistry, and fun. Yet I see the same patterns play out: women who won’t play with men shorter than them, people who won’t touch an uncircumcised man (which, by the way, look the same once hard — but I digress). In this supposedly liberated space, cultural standards of beauty, and even more surprisingly, things like status and height sneak in.

Now, don’t get me wrong — attraction is personal. We’re all allowed preferences. But it’s interesting how restrictive people can be, and then report that “it’s hard to meet people.” The more filters we add, the smaller the pool becomes.

Someone recently played me a song that pokes fun at this:

“I’m looking for a man in finance, six-one, blue eyes...”

The joke, of course, is about how specific - and sometimes unrealistic - our checklists can become. We should have preferences and standards, absolutely. But when the list gets too long, we often end up filtering out the very connection we say we’re looking for.

Funny sidenote: the song was sent to me because my husband happens to fit that description - and for the record, I do recommend the combination. :)

The Deeper Layer: The Worth of Being

Here’s where it gets personal.

After years of growth and plenty of therapy, I uncovered something I’ve been carrying since childhood; a belief that I had to earn love. If I was pleasing enough, pretty enough, smart enough… then I’d be worthy. Classic people-pleaser training, right?

Many of us have spent years untangling the difference between market value (the external worth the world assigns to us) and self-worth (the internal truth of being enough simply because we exist).

Scott Galloway’s $10k-per-inch formula may describe “dating market value,” but self-worth is not for sale. To borrow from that old Mastercard commercial:

A dinner date and a show: $500
Time spent connecting with someone who knows their worth: Priceless.

Why This Matters (Maybe especially for Men)

This frequently comes up in my coaching sessions - especially with men. Confidence often takes a hit when they conflate their dating market value (income, looks, status) with their self-worth. When that happens, rejection feels like annihilation, and approval becomes oxygen. Often, the advice they are given is to “take care of themselves.” Get healthy, dress well…look the part. That is advice for improving “market value” which also does also, usually, improve confidence.

Here’s the truth: self-worth isn’t a currency. It’s a constant. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t lose it. You just have to remember it.

A Little Homework

So here’s something to sit with:
Where are you still trying to earn love, attention, or validation? In your relationships or even in the lifestyle?

What might shift if you started from the assumption that you were already enough?

Self-worth doesn’t make you taller, richer, or more conventionally attractive. It makes you radiant. And that, my friends, is the kind of energy that attracts people who see your real worth and not your “market value.” If that doesn’t feel true today, let it be a seed.

P.S. For your next pillow talk: Ask your partner what they were initially attracted to, what had them choose you as their partner, and what they’ve grown to appreciate or love even more.