Openly undefined
The Heart & Soul of Non-Monogamy
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Ethical non-monogamy takes on many “forms”… polyamory, swinging, open marriage and everything in between. The thing about going non-traditional is that it gives you liberty to create what you want. Well, as long as everyone is aware and everyone is consenting. My husband and I classify as swingers, or in “the lifestyle.” We’ve met swingers who do swing, but don’t ‘identify’ with that term. We’ve met polyamorous couples who swing, and those who don’t. Actually, I have found that most open-relationship folks don’t really like to define themselves…it’s that whole non-traditional thing. The one thing we all have in common is being “open” to one degree or another. Open can be ridiculous amounts of fun. Open can be obscene amounts of sexiness. Open can also be complex. This is a blog about all of it.
If you find yourself unfamiliar with some of the terminology (common at first), here’s a Glossary of Terms to help.
Offense vs. Defense: The Hidden Game Playing Out in Every Relationship
I’m not a big one for sports analogies, but at my last retreat, during the final integration ceremony, a couple shared something that everyone in the room understood immediately.
They said, “We’ve been defensive about our relationship. We get help when we’re in trouble. This retreat… it made us want to start playing offense.”
The whole circle nodded.
Defense is common because why take the time when we have so many other things demanding our attention? All of us have defaulted to “deal with it later” at some point. I’ve absolutely been guilty of this in my own marriage.
“Defensive” relational habits don’t come from neglect or lack of care.
Often, they come from very human things:
A desire not to rock the boat - why fix what isn’t broken?
A worry that naming a discomfort will suddenly turn it into a mountain.
Or sometimes, a simple truth: time is precious, and when we finally get a moment to ourselves, we’d rather do something fun.
Which leads to a few new questions:
What if the “offensive” stuff is fun - far more fun than dealing with a breakdown?
What if investing in the relationship actually makes all the fun stuff even better?