Great Play Starts with Great Agreements
When people think about ethical non-monogamy, the first words that often come to mind are fun, adventure, and maybe even freedom.
Yes. The joy of exploring new connections, the thrill of novelty, and the deepening of intimacy with your partner can be extraordinary.
But what people don’t always realize is that the couples who thrive in the lifestyle don’t get there by accident.
They don’t just rely on “going with the flow” or assume they’ll figure it out as they go. They intentionally create the kind of agreements, boundaries, and shared understandings that allow them to feel safe enough to really let go and enjoy themselves.
The Problem with “We’ll Just See What Happens”
When my husband and I first stepped into the lifestyle, we thought we had a pretty good handle on our boundaries. We’d talked about the “big stuff” — who we were interested in (couples, not relationships) and what we wanted to avoid (drama, falling in love with others).
What we didn’t realize? There were a dozen smaller, sneakier scenarios that could throw us off balance. Things like:
What happens if one of us wants to leave a playdate early, but the other is still having fun?
How do we handle flirting with friends outside the club or party setting?
Is it okay to text someone new without telling each other right away?
The first time I hurt my husband’s feelings in a lifestyle club was during our very first full-swap weekend. I thought for sure if anyone’s feelings would be hurt, it would be mine. We all think that.
It was a club setting (read: a LOT going on), and being our first time, it was overwhelming. We were back in the playrooms, mostly watching a scene that had begun. I left to use the restroom, and when I came back, I didn’t see my husband. So I sat next to another guy I’d spoken with earlier, and we continued to chat.
Evidently, my husband had been sitting by himself. I hadn’t seen him, and he was hurt that I chose to sit with someone else. He didn’t say anything in the moment, but later, during our recap that night, he told me how he felt.
It was a minor incident, but it had us think through how we navigate club scenes and put an agreement in place: we would always let each other know where we’ll be. (When I didn’t see him, I assumed he had gone to another room.)
What we realized as we figured out our agreements is that we didn’t always know the things to talk about before we encountered a situation.
Agreements Are an Act of Love
Some people hear the word agreements and think of rules, restrictions, or a list of “don’ts.”
I see them differently.
Agreements are an act of love.
They say, “I care enough about you—and us—to be clear, to be honest, and to create a space where we can both feel free… and safe.”
They make play better because they remove uncertainty. Instead of worrying if something is going to be okay, you already know. You’ve talked about it. You’ve chosen it together.
Also, agreements aren’t set in stone. They evolve as you do. They can loosen, tighten, or shift entirely as you and your partner grow more comfortable and confident. They can even shift just for a night!
The couples who have the most fun in non-monogamy aren’t necessarily the most experienced, the most adventurous, or the most outgoing.
They’re the couples who’ve built a foundation strong enough to hold all the fun, intimacy, and adventure they can dream up.
You can’t shortcut trust, but you can create it faster (fewer mistakes) and deeper when you’re thoughtful about how to build it.
The Play Smart Love Big Guide
After coaching couples through these very conversations again and again, I realized there was a need for something simple, practical, and actually fun to use—a tool that would help couples navigate and set agreements in a way that feels connective instead of confrontational.
A place to begin. Or a place to refresh, if that is where you are at.
It’s a step-by-step framework with real examples and conversation starters to get you talking about the right things.
If this sounds like something that could help you, learn more and get your copy here.