The Four Agreements & Ethical Non-Monogamy

Don Miguel Ruiz wasn't talking about open relationships when he wrote his short book, but he could have been.

I've recommended The Four Agreements to more people than I can count. Long before I was coaching couples in the lifestyle, I read the book for the first time. It is deceptively simple. Four agreements. It's short. You can summarize it into four sentences that you could probably fit on a Post-it. The practice of them, though, that is a different story.

After reading it, I was sort of like, Huh, makes sense. Almost like, does that really need to be in a book? And then…and then… I found myself noticing so many situations throughout any given day, oh, the first agreement. Oh, that's the third agreement. It may be the book that inspired the phrase; simple, yet profound.

When I started coaching I found myself naturally asking clients if they had read it. Very few had. Yet so many things we were working through together were sitting right there in those four agreements.

Then there's the word itself. Agreements. In the lifestyle, we use that word all the time to describe the terms couples set together, the modes of operation, the conscious choices about how this is going to work for them. I've always preferred "agreements" over "boundaries," because agreements imply that two (or more) people chose this together.

So when Ruiz titled his book The Four Agreements, I don't think that's a coincidence to ignore. He's talking about conscious commitments you make with yourself. I've often said that the growth experienced in the lifestyle and within ENM is ultimately about the relationship we have to ourselves. It's the most important one, as it turns out.

Let me jump into the agreements and you'll see what I mean.

AGREEMENT ONE
Be impeccable with your word.

Words create reality.

So, don't speak badly about anyone, including yourself.

You may have noticed that the way you talk about your relationship to friends, family, even strangers shapes how they see it, and it can shape how you see it too. When sharing (IF sharing) about ENM, when you describe your partnership as something brave and intentional, people hear that and reflect that back. When you lead with shame or over-explanation, you invite scrutiny you didn't need to invite. Your words are reflecting something, and then building the reality around us. Whether you're paying attention or not.

This goes deeper than public narrative. It lives in the everyday language of your relationship. "I'm fine with this" when you're not fine with it. "I don't need to know the details" when actually, you kind of do. "I'm not jealous" when your body is doing something very different from your words. That is not being kind to yourself. It's not being impeccable with your word.

It also means watching how you speak about others in this community. Gossip travels fast in the lifestyle. A careless comment about another couple, a vague warning that takes on a life of its own, speaking against someone's character based on a bad night or a misread situation - that's not just unkind. Our community is small. Our words carry weight. Wouldn't it be great if we took our issues up with one another instead of speaking behind their backs? Then these same words could be creating good.

Then there's how you speak about yourself - consciously and not. The things we say about ourselves to ourselves - we undoubtedly are often our own worst critic. Shame, among other things, is something a lot of people work through when participating in the lifestyle or ENM. This lifestyle goes against a lot that we learned growing up. We find ourselves judging ourselves and this is, in essence, using the words of others to judge our choices and to speak badly about ourselves, to ourselves.

"We're swingers" said with a nervous laugh. "I know it's weird, but.." leading every explanation. The self-deprecating disclaimer that preemptively shrinks what you've chosen so no one else gets to shrink it first. That's not impeccability. That's self-betrayal dressed up as humility.

Closing that gap between what's true for you and what you tell your partner is impeccability. In this lifestyle, it will be one of the most important skills you ever develop.

AGREEMENT TWO
Don't take anything personally.

Oh, this one.

Your partner has a great time with someone else and something in you contracts. A connection doesn't turn into what you hoped and your brain immediately starts cataloging everything wrong with you (or them). Someone says something careless about your relationship structure and it stings in a way you didn't expect.

Ruiz is clear: nothing other people do is because of you. It's because of themselves and their own fears, their own stories, their own dream of the world.

This doesn't mean nothing matters. It means you stop making yourself the protagonist of everyone else's story. It means you can ask "what's actually happening here?" instead of spiraling into "what does this mean about me?"

That shift? That is the difference between jealousy as a crisis and jealousy as information. It's the difference between "I must not be attractive" and "I'm not his type." It's the difference between "we are not cut out for swinging" and "wow, that night didn't go as planned!" It's the difference between "I'm not good enough" and "Here's the situation."

AGREEMENT THREE
Don't make assumptions.

I'll be honest: I think this one is the heartbeat of ethical non-monogamy. Well, all relationships, and especially non-monogamy.

We assume our partner knows what we need without asking. We assume the couple we met is on the same page as each other. We assume "no strings" means the same thing to everyone at the table. We assume silence is consent and "we'll figure it out" is a plan.

The lifestyle requires a level of explicit conversation that most people haven't been socialized to have. We were raised in a world where wanting something was embarrassing enough to stay quiet about. Asking for what you need felt like admitting you were needy.

Don't make assumptions is really an invitation to have the courageous conversation instead. Every time. Even when it's uncomfortable. Especially then.

AGREEMENT FOUR
Always do your best.

Here's the grace in this one: your best is going to change. On a hard week, in a triggered moment, on a night when the feelings hit you sideways, your best is going to look different than on your most grounded, intentional day.

Ruiz is not suggesting perfection. He's asking for full presence with whatever you actually have to give right now.

In ENM - in any relationship - that means showing up honestly even when it's messy. It means being willing to say "I handled that badly and I want to do better." And then offering grace to our partners when we hear these words. It means keeping your commitments to your partners, to your agreements, to the version of yourself that chose this life deliberately. And not judging yourself or throwing in the towel because of a bad day.

You won't always get it right. Doing your best means you don't use that as an excuse to stop trying.

The four agreements aren't a checklist. They're a practice - one that probably looks different every week, every conversation, every new layer of this life you're building.

Here's what I keep coming back to: the lifestyle doesn't just ask more of your calendar or your communication skills. It asks more of you. Who you are when things get complicated. Whether you can be honest with yourself and your partner. Whether you can stay curious instead of defensive when your partner's experience doesn't match your expectations.

Ruiz gave us four deceptively simple agreements. The lifestyle will make sure you actually learn them.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Published 1997. A deceptively short book about four commitments that will quietly reorganize how you move through the world. Based on ancient Toltec teachings. Highly recommend.