Does a Threesome make you Non-Monogamous? My Hot Take.

I learned that the number one sexual fantasy for Americans is multiple partner sex, or more commonly, threesomes. That's not surprising. For years, long before we were swingers, every time I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas or his birthday, his answer was the same: a threesome. Instead, I gave him office chairs, GoPros, and anything Arnold Schwarzenegger. I might have been open to a threesome with the latter, but I wasn't able to arrange it.

Anyway, here's my hot take, even within my own community of coaches and therapists.

Having sex with other people doesn't automatically make you non-monogamous.

What!?

I believe there is a difference between being ethically non-monogamous (ENM) and simply wanting sexual adventure. Most certainly, I want your threesome to be ethical - everyone knows about it and everyone is enthusiastically consenting - but if a couple has a threesome, or two, or three over the course of their marriage, does that make them non-monogamous?

Some would say yes: by definition, having sex with others makes a couple non-monogamous. I say… it depends.

Identity vs. Appetite

ENM isn't just a behavior. It's an orientation, an identity, a way of structuring relationships. It comes with intentionality, communication, and a whole set of agreements about how you and your partner(s) want to show up for each other.

A threesome? That's an experience. A really exciting one, sure, but an experience.

This experience should absolutely come with intentionality, communication, and a set of agreements about how you want the night to go. But do you have to flip a switch the next morning on your relationship and label it something different? No.

I have friends who describe their marriage exactly this way: "We have an open bedroom, not an open relationship." A few times a year, they invite a third into their sex life. They are monogamous in every other sense; emotionally, romantically, socially. They don't identify as ENM. They identify as a married couple who occasionally has really fun sex.

Are they non-monogamous?

I think they are having sexual adventure and that's a perfectly legitimate, perfectly conscious choice.

On my podcast, The Examined Lives, Ben brought up a term that floats around in the community — "monogamous in the lifestyle." These are people who are fully embedded in the swinger world (often referred to as The Lifestyle). They go to the parties, they know the culture, they have the communication skills, they understand the etiquette. They just don't play with others. They have claimed the identity and the community without the sexual non-exclusivity. Same world, different choice.

A question I get asked, then, is: okay, but where's the line?

My honest answer: there isn't one. Not a clean one, anyway. Is a couple who plays once a year non-monogamous? What about twice? What if they only play with one other couple they've known for years? What if they go to a lifestyle resort once a year? I don't think frequency or number of partners is where the line lives. I think identity is. A couple who has a threesome once a year and considers it a rare, intentional sexual adventure is different from a couple who has a threesome once a year and considers themselves “in the lifestyle.” Same behavior. Completely different identity.

You get to decide what you are. No one else gets to count your experiences and hand you a label.

You Still Need the ENM Skillset

I'll push back on anyone who thinks "we're not ENM" means "we can skip the hard conversations."

You can't.

All of the communication, the intention-setting, the explicit agreements - everything that makes ethical non-monogamy ethical - has to be present even if you never adopt the label. How are we finding this person? What are our agreements around safer sex? What happens if one of us feels uncomfortable? What do we talk about afterward, and what do we keep private? What are we not okay with?

These aren't ENM questions. These are necessary questions that come up the moment you add another person to your sexual dynamic.

The reason people in the lifestyle tend to have better experiences - even first-timers (who have done a little research) - is because they've built the communication muscles. They know how to talk about desire, discomfort, and everything in between. If you want a threesome to go well, borrow the playbook. You don't have to join the team.

And for the love of god…

Stop trying to pick someone up at a vanilla bar. I cringe every time I hear this strategy - not because it never works, but because it's so much messier than it needs to be. The misread signals, the social awkwardness, the unclear expectations on all sides. Does it sometimes work out? Yes. Is it riskier and way less likely to give you what you're actually hoping for? Also yes.

Leverage the swinger community instead.

I know that might feel like a big leap if you don't identify as swingers, but here's what the lifestyle is actually full of: people who are also looking for sexual adventure, who understand consent and communication, and who, critically, are not looking for a relationship. Yes, there's warmth. Yes, there's friendship. Yes, when people are going to be intimate, even for a night, there should be mutual care and respect, but there are no entanglements, no expectations, no strings.

The lifestyle has a whole culture built around exactly what you're looking for. Your first experience - or your next one - will almost certainly be better with people who already know how to do this well.

Can a Threesome Be a Gateway Into ENM?

Yes, but probably not in the way you'd expect.

It's rarely about feelings or unexpected emotional entanglements. Honestly, if you're engaging within the lifestyle community, where intentions are spoken clearly before anything happens, that kind of complication is pretty unlikely. People in this space understand the assignment.

The gateway is simpler than that and perhaps more interesting.

You do it, and it's fun. You realize it can be done in a healthy, connected, respectful way. Then you start wondering: could we do this again? More often? You start to understand the appeal of meeting other couples, not just singles. The world of the lifestyle starts making sense in a way it didn't before. not because you've been swept into something, but because you've experienced firsthand that it works.

Can threesomes also be a gateway to polyamory? Of course. You have the experience, you enjoy it, and one or both of you recognizes a pull toward something deeper; a lasting connection, not just a sexual one. You start to see that intimacy with someone outside your relationship doesn't have to threaten it. It can actually strengthen it.

In my experience, the more common path is from threesomes into the lifestyle - meeting couples, exploring the swinger community and finding your people, but I'll own that bias. That's my world, and that's who I tend to work with. There's also a dynamic worth naming: a lot of poly people believe that swinging is the gateway to polyamory. Honestly? Yes and no. Some people do migrate from the lifestyle into poly. Many don't and in fact, from my observations, most don't.

So if you're holding back from exploring a threesome because you're afraid of the slippery slope, i.e. afraid that one experience leads to another leads to another and suddenly you're polyamorous with a Google calendar full of partners - I want to offer you some relief.

There are gateways. There is no slippery slope.

Everyone practicing ENM, or sexual adventure, finds the version that actually works for them. The threesome couple who plays a few times a year and calls it good. The lifestyle couple who loves meeting other couples and has zero interest in deeper entanglement. The pair who discovers they want more connection and leans into poly. All of it is valid. None of it is inevitable.

You get to decide where the door leads or if you want to open it further.

The Bottom Line

You don't have to adopt an identity to explore your desires. Sexual adventure is its own valid category and one that doesn't require a label, a manifesto, or a complete restructuring of your relationship.

But do the work ENM people do. Have the conversations. Make the agreements. Borrow the skills even if you don't borrow the identity.

If a threesome is on the table, find a community that already speaks the language.

The adventure is waiting. You might as well enjoy it with people who know what they're doing.

Curious about navigating this conversation with your partner? That's exactly what I'm here for. Reach out — let's talk. Book a free 30-minute consultation