what you want

There is a mantra that exists on the homepage of my website. I cite it often, and it is this:

ENM, or Lifestyle, can be anything you want it to be as long as everyone knows about it and everyone is enthusiastically consenting.

I truly believe this. My opinion about one of the most challenging parts of ENM, however, might be surprising and that is “anything you want.” Non-Monogamy doesn’t come with many guidelines so getting clear on what you actually want can be difficult. To help this process, one thing I recommend to everyone is that you get pretty good at checking in with yourself, listening to yourself, and expressing yourself.

If this sounds easy to you, congratulations. If you understand the challenge, then you and I may be more similar, and I know I’m not the only one. I meet a lot of people who identify as “recovering people-pleasers” or “recovering co-dependents.” Some of us, due to childhood circumstances and wiring usually, will place so much of our own “happiness” on others’.  I say “happiness” because it’s our own perception of others’ happiness. It might be another’s satisfaction, their praise of us, or maybe even simply a lack of stirring up conflict with someone. All of these can have us wiping our brow with a subconscious or even fully conscious, “phew!” and call it a success. But was anyone really happy? Were you??

So, how do we happily make ENM anything we want it to be? First, think about what you want your version of ENM to be. If you haven’t been practicing non-monogamy, how are you supposed to know what you want your version of it to look like? I recommend doing a lot of reading and talking to others, but most likely you won’t really know the answer to this until you try some things. That can be nerve-wracking, but that is why I coach people to take baby steps.

That leads to the second part, which is what do you want? It has not been uncommon for a conversation with my husband to go something like this, especially when we were in the beginning stages of the lifestyle. Specifically, I had some opportunities come up to go out with a girlfriend and participate in a Queen’s Buffet.

Him: “What do you want to do?

Me: “I wouldn’t mind, but only if it doesn’t bother you,” or “How do you feel about it?” or even “What would you want me to do?”

Repeat.

I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go at all costs, like if it was going to hurt him or stress him out too much. In that sense I was being truthful about my answer, but I kept leaving out the first part which was that I really would like to go. I was afraid that just my wanting to go was going to hurt his feelings. I could have said, I would like to go, but it’s not worth stressing you out if that’s the case. Or anything starting with “I would like to go.” Do you want to know why? Because it used to be pretty difficult for me to really disentangle what I wanted from what I thought he wanted or didn’t want. If this sounds unhealthy, it is. If it sounds familiar, I do believe it to be pretty common, based on many conversations with clients and friends. Women, in particular, seem to have this tendency, but it is definitely not a totally gendered issue.

I also believe that this is one way in which non-monogamy can enhance our relationships with our partners—and ourselves. Whenever we are true to ourselves, everyone benefits, ultimately. If an experience or situation left you feeling less than stellar and you look back and recognize that you even agreed to it first, that is likely something to look at and learn from. Were you going along because that was the momentum of the group or situation? Did you go along because you wanted others to be happy? Did you go along because you just weren’t sure how you would feel about it and figured, let’s give it a shot! Or maybe the situation took a turn you weren’t expecting (that’s probably another blog post). Logging these moments can help you start to self-identify where you may not be listening to yourself, or sometimes, even asking yourself! It becomes easier over time to recognize that feeling in the moment, to pause, and to tune in to what YOU want, regardless of anyone else. You can then choose from a space of choosing what you want vs. what everyone else seems to want. That’s pretty damn empowering.

A second note about that—if this is a dynamic that was established prior to opening to ENM—with one person in the couple doing more people-pleasing than the other, ENM will likely shine a light on that. The light’s symptom may show up as resentment, in case that’s helpful information. I do want to say that whenever you change a dynamic in a relationship, that can feel hard, or at least scary, but taking on some of these opportunities will be worth it. I can guarantee that changing this people-pleasing dynamic will make your relationship healthier. You will both win in the end.

It also doesn’t really have to be that hard with the implementation of some ‘standard process.’ I love it when I see couples say they are going to go take a break and check in with one another. Then I know this process is happening, at least to some degree. I imagine or have conversations like:

“I would love for this to happen.”  And “Me too.”

“I would love for this to happen.” And “I’m nervous about this and here’s why…”

“I don’t really want this, but I sense that you do . . . how do we want to handle this?”

So, going back to the mantra, “ENM can be anything you want it to be . . . ” what if what you want is different from what your partner wants? Maybe you figure out what you want it to be but there are other partner(s) to consider. This is where things can get tricky. The next step can then be, why do I want this?  Writing out and talking about these answers can potentially lead you to: a) areas that maybe you can get from your current relationship and not from the lifestyle and voila, you just uncovered a very valuable finding, or b) understanding each other’s motivations and what they are getting from interactions, which can sometimes help with jealousy and other hard feelings. When my husband wanted to do more single dating in the beginning, this triggered my, “I’m not enough” button. When we talked about his motivation of simply more sex and more variety, I saw that I couldn’t provide variety, and I didn’t want to go out as often as he did on LS dates so then that dynamic felt easier for me.

Like a sitcom where problems are worked out in a matter of days to meet the timeline of the program, I don’t want this blog post to make light of how difficult any of this is. As with many things personal development, it’s a process and a practice. This has taken me years to realize my people-pleasing and partner-pleasing ways, to learn to tune in to know what I really want, and then to be brave enough to share it. I still don’t practice these things perfectly, but I am so much happier for all of it and hubs too. ENM can be more of ‘all that I want’ because I know what that is.