the first time i said no

When considering swinging many people are concerned that there is some expectation to have sex with anyone and everyone. Conversely, some might hope that they can have sex with anyone and everyone. Neither, of course, are at all true. Navigating rejection, however, can feel tricky, in the beginning for sure and sometimes even for experienced people. Taking rejection is generally easier than rejecting others—I mean, we’ve hopefully all learned good sportsmanship, right?! How to reject others is a very popular question because if we aren’t expected to have sex with anyone and everyone (whew!) how do we actually say no thank you? Well, it can be that simple. “We are flattered, but no thank you.” We are flattered, but we are not interested in playing.” “You guys are great, but we are more interested in friendship than playing.” All great lines. I wish I had used one of those my first time saying no. Here’s how mine went.

Hubs and I were very new; I think we were within our first month of full-swapping activities. We always say that we had a lot of beginner’s luck, so that’s why it even took this long for this situation to arise. We met a couple out at a restaurant—they were gorgeous. Also, though, because we were so new, I was still very concerned about “looking like swingers,” running into anyone we knew, or being discovered in any way. The woman of this couple was dressed in a way that screamed that we were swingers. Sexy? YES! Was I already uncomfortable and glancing around to see if we knew anyone in the restaurant? Also. 

Conversation started to flow, and we were having a good time. Except, I was not into him. He was good looking, but he was also self-centered and pretty cocky. Because we were new, the dick pics that she decided to share with me at the table were a bit ‘too much too soon’ for me. I would be absolutely fine with the photos she shared today. Dinner progressed and we were having a good enough time. I wasn’t showing it, but I was panicking inside—torn because I knew hubs was totally hitting it off with her and seemed like he was looking forward to playing, and I was just . . . not. We didn’t have any kind of signaling system (we still don’t). I went to the bathroom and didn’t take my phone, so I couldn’t text him how I was feeling. We always said, like everyone says, we would never “take one for the team,” but honestly, this guy was very good looking, so I was actually a bit confused myself. I gave myself a pep-talk in the bathroom. “You can do this. He’s so good looking, just focus on his body. It’s not like you have to marry the guy. Just go with the flow.” I went back to the table with a plan to proceed.

Right after I sat down, though, they started talking about a friend and a sexual assault experience she had. That conversation did me in. I was already struggling with the evening and this topic killed any party I had left in me. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to proceed after dinner. I was trying to figure out how I was going to relay this to the group when our server walked up with four coffees. Now, hubs and I didn’t have any formal signals, but I knew that coffee this late in the night meant we would be staying up late. I felt the kind thing to do would be to say something BEFORE all the coffee was drunk, so I took a deep breath and mustered my courage to say, “Hey guys, I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m not playing tonight.” Clunk. Three other coffee cups hit the table with a thud. They all looked at me, shocked. She said something like, “I guess that you are the one feeling this?” I learned later that she and hubs had already made out when they walked to the bathroom together and were eagerly anticipating what was going to be coming later. I nodded my head yes. We sat in awkward silence.

I had always read and heard that anyone can say no at ANY time, and that rejection was a part of this game and that no one would ever be offended. This guy didn’t get that memo. He turned his back to me (we were in a circular booth together), and faced his wife and the back of the seat. She started consoling him. “It’s OK babe . . . we’ll go out. We are going to have a good time. . . .” The check seemed to take a short lifetime. Names were scribbled quickly on the separate checks and everyone got up quickly. They sprinted towards the door and hubs and I were left gathering our coats and giving them time to disappear before we followed. Hubs was also still in shock. 

I hesitate to share the rest of the night, but I think there is valuable learning, so I’ll do so. On the drive home I explained my case. Hubs was still in shock and not saying much. “Of course, we would never take one for the team,” he said, but also, “He was good looking, and could you have been more awkward with your timing?” “I’m sorry,” I responded, “I didn’t know when to say it, and I thought I was being kind so people wouldn’t drink the coffee!” Somehow, by the time we got home, we were in an argument. I was so irate that he was at all annoyed that I flared instantly, “If you are going to expect me to have sex with everyone, I’m out. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Things escalated and I slept in the guest bedroom. The next day he left for a work trip. I was left seething. I was going to be joining him in five days and at that point I was ready to cancel my ticket. 

After a couple of days, some messages were shared in a group text with our lifestyle mentors. The male mentor of the couple responded with, “Anyone can say no at any time. I don’t care if someone’s cock is an inch from her pussy, she can still say no.” We all knew this to be the case - that anyone during a full swap can say no at any time. I think hubs just needed a reminder (he had started the messages). I didn’t respond within that message string. Instead, I did what I do: I journaled the hell out of the situation. For days, flames came out of the end my ball point pen. I don’t recall if we were talking much during that time.

I showed up in LA and we went straight to dinner. We sat down and I said, “Look, before you say anything, I’ve given this situation a lot of thought and here’s what I think happened. I think you got mad because you were cock blocked.” After a short pause he said, “I think so too, I’m so sorry.” We discussed how hot she was (so true) and that he felt that by me acting like I was having a great time, it just seemed ‘out of the blue’ and how he was also a little embarrassed that he seemed to have misread the situation. We talked about the absolute need for a better communication system during our dates. We made up and by the end of dinner all was well. 

Years later this story reminds me of something else. Hubs and I used to be pretty bad at conflict management. Clearly. This incident didn’t prompt it, but a couple years later we started some therapy. This was before any of my coaching and relationship training so I didn’t articulate it like, “We need help with handling conflict,” but what I did say was, “When our marriage is good, it’s very very good, but when it is bad it is horrid.” Our therapist helped us not only learn better conflict management skills, but also recognized some other patterns that were not serving us well in our relationship and within lifestyle. 

Ultimately, managing conflict better made us both feel safer and brought us closer together. And that’s the magic of non-monogamous relationships: you fix what’s broken or it breaks you. Non-monogamy will highlight any cracks in the foundations of any of your relationships, whether you have a primary or not. Commitment to fixing these cracks is what sets non-monogamous relationships apart. I’m going to repeat this for dramatic effect: Commitment to fixing these cracks is what sets non-monogamous relationships apart. 

While monogamous relationships may be able to limp along with crumbling walls around them because daily life can sweep you along for years that way, that doesn’t work so well in non-monogamy. Monogamous or not, humans might try to ignore the crumbling walls, but non-monogamy comes with extra emotional challenges so the limping will end up either stopping non-monogamy or stopping the relationship. This is why you hear people say that “non-monogamy causes divorce.” Non-monogamy is likely not the cause, but it might have been a catalyst. A commitment to addressing issues as they arise is paramount to a successful non-monogamous relationship and is also what ultimately makes your relationship so so good. Now I can say that “when our marriage is good, it’s off-the-charts good and when it is bad, we work through it.”