Lifestyle Events 101: How to Get the Most Out of Your Trip
Lifestyle Events 101: How to Get the Most Out of Your Trip
This post is based on an SDC Afternoon Delight I did in July. Here’s the YouTube link for that, if you prefer to watch.
I was teaching at Naughty in New Orleans one morning in July, and a woman I had not met yet came to my class early. I asked how she was doing. "Oh my god, so good," she said. "I got railed last night."
That is one of the things I love most about these events. It's all swingers, all the time. The conversations you get to have, the way you get to have them, without translating yourself for anyone - that alone is worth the price of admission.
Lifestyle events - resorts, takeovers, cruises - are usually a big investment, in money and in energy. Let's talk about how to actually get the most out of them.
The Three Buckets
Resorts are fun and can be more chill. The big ones are Desire in Mexico and Hedonism in Jamaica, but there are smaller ones too – Secrets and Caliente in Florida and Sea Mountain in Palm Springs (I have not been to the FL or Palm Springs one so if any of them want to offer me a trip…you know where to find me). You have the pool, the hot tub, the ocean (depending), volleyball, the gym, room to breathe. You don't have to be "on" the whole time. In fact, I recommend not being “on” the whole time.
Takeovers are a different animal. Think Swinger Society or a multi-hotel event like the one I was just at – Naughty N’Awlins - often just one or two nights, which is exactly why they can feel more intense. Naughty is actually 4 nights, but you don’t have to attend the whole thing. When you've only got a weekend, everyone tries to pack in as much as possible.
Cruises fall somewhere in between. Bliss, FantaSea Connections, and the dedicated cruises some of the resort brands run – Desire, Temptations and others. There are also some higher end European cruises, etc.
There is a misconception I hear alot: that these events are an "advanced" move, and new couples aren't ready. I actually argue the opposite. Large events are one of the safest ways to dip a toe in - you can be a total fly on the wall if you want to - no one requires you to talk to anyone, though I recommend you do. Here's something that surprises people: at these bigger events, a solid chunk of couples - I would confidently say half - aren't playing with others at all. They are watching, they might be exhibitionists or they may just like being in the energy of the community. It is a much softer entry point than a house party, where suddenly it's seven couples in a room and you are not vibing with any of them. I’ve seen a trend on social media with vanilla folks reporting…I went on a smex cruise and this is what I learned…(these are probably essentially ads, but they make my point).
Before You Go
Pack early. You will be packing more than you would think for a trip where you will be wearing very little and sometimes nothing. Every event has nightly themes, and the costumes (especially the shoes) add up fast - glow night is a classic, so you may as well buy pieces you can wear across multiple trips.
Get into the event's membership site or app beforehand. It's basically a dating app for the weekend, and it changes everything. My husband and I are not naturally extroverted people, but we once matched with an extroverted couple online before Hedonism and by the time we got to the pool, they'd already introduced us to half their friend group.
Have the conversations. Talk through your expectations, boundaries, and agreements before you are standing in the middle of a party trying to figure it out in real time. Even experienced couples fall into the trap of assuming the last trip's agreements automatically carry over – hint: they mighth not. A thirty-second check-in ("same boundaries as usual, or are we adjusting anything?") heads off most of the breakdowns I see, which almost always trace back to missed expectations, not bad intentions. I have a handy and short course to set you up around this – The Conversation that Every Lifestyle Couple Should be Having.
Test. Best practice: test as close to departure as you can, then again no sooner than two weeks after you are home. Oral, vaginal, anal if that's part of your play - all of it. I usually test at the doctor’s office, but I supplement with STD Hero home testing around events.
This is also the moment to be honest about substances - weed, mushrooms, MDMA show up at a lot of these events, whether or not they are officially condoned. My rule: never try something brand new in a brand-new environment, and never have both partners trying a new substance on the same night. If you want to know how something affects you, test it somewhere familiar first.
While You Are There
Two words: pace yourselves. Energy, drinking, and sex. I learned this the hard way at my first Hedonism trip; by day six, I was completely shut down. There was playing with others and playing more between the two of us…you get the picture. Build in actual downtime, not just "we'll rest if we feel like it." You might not.
Check in with your partner daily, if not more. Energy shifts, moods shift, and "I know we usually play but I'm not up for it tonight" is an absolutely OK request, mid-trip.
After You Are Home
Don't skip the debrief. What worked, what didn't, what do you want more or less of next time? Do you want a next time? Same thing? Something new? Anything to repair or discuss that we didn’t take time to do amongst the busy days? These conversations are what make your next trip better than this one.
If you're heading into your first big event - or your fifteenth - and want help getting clear on expectations before you go, that's exactly what my pre-trip Clarity Call is for. One conversation, and you can calm any nerves and arrive already on the same page.