Openly undefined
The Heart & Soul of Non-Monogamy
ABOUT
Ethical non-monogamy takes on many “forms”… polyamory, swinging, open marriage and everything in between. The thing about going non-traditional is that it gives you liberty to create what you want. Well, as long as everyone is aware and everyone is consenting. My husband and I classify as swingers, or in “the lifestyle.” We’ve met swingers who do swing, but don’t ‘identify’ with that term. We’ve met polyamorous couples who swing, and those who don’t. Actually, I have found that most open-relationship folks don’t really like to define themselves…it’s that whole non-traditional thing. The one thing we all have in common is being “open” to one degree or another. Open can be ridiculous amounts of fun. Open can be obscene amounts of sexiness. Open can also be complex. This is a blog about all of it.
If you find yourself unfamiliar with some of the terminology (common at first), here’s a Glossary of Terms to help.
good life choices
We looked at each other with big smiles on our faces, feeling so grateful for good friends and the men waiting on us. Funny enough, we remember it differently in who delivered the next line (I give her credit, she gives it to me) but it was something like, “Wow, I think we’ve made some really good life choices to bring us to a moment like this.” We laughed then and it has become an ongoing thing for us. We’ve had so many moments since that one where we say out loud, “Good life choices!” and we know what we mean. Sexy moments, funny moments, and mind-blowing friendship moments.
soccer mom turned dungeon slut
After my research project, you better believe I went back to that man’s wife and told her I did indeed want him to dom me. We had several more encounters where I was slowly introduced to a dominant/submissive dynamic and some impact play. I discovered that I am a masochist and that pain turns me on! I could cum solely from being spanked. What the hell? Who was I?
Three Tips to Start Your ENM Journey
They say, and I agree, that the start of any project is the hardest part. This is a question I get a lot, “We are both interested, but how do we start?” Transitioning your marriage or monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous relationship is one big project, if you will. It might be even harder to start this project than others because of the seemingly—and real—high emotional stakes. Starting a new diet or a new business seems easy in comparison!
the first time i said no
When considering swinging many people are concerned that there is some expectation to have sex with anyone and everyone. Conversely, some might hope that they can have sex with anyone and everyone. Neither, of course, are at all true. Navigating rejection, however, can feel tricky, in the beginning for sure and sometimes even for experienced people.
what you want
There is a bit of a mantra that exists on the homepage of my website. I cite it often, and it is this: ENM, or Lifestyle, can be anything you want it to be as long as everyone knows about it and everyone is enthusiastically consenting. I truly believe this. My opinion about one of the most challenging parts of ENM, however, might be surprising and that part is “anything you want.” Non-Monogamy doesn’t come with many guidelines so getting clear on what you actually want can be difficult. To help this process, one thing I recommend to everyone is that you get pretty good at checking in with yourself, listening to yourself, and expressing yourself.
Life, Augmented
I was a practical mid-western girl, and I filed those breasts away with things I would never have. Now, this maybe-less-practical middle-aged woman has them! Getting them was easy. Thinking about getting them was harder. As a raised-to-be-practical mid-western over-thinking feminist, I had a few things to work through first.
am i an ethical slut?
I don’t feel responsible for other people’s relationships. If he had wanted to cheat on his wife, it’s not really my job to protect her. That viewpoint might ruffle some feathers—and seem contradictory to my feminist, pro-woman stance—but the way I see it is if someone’s partner is cheating on them, they’ve got bigger issues than what I can be responsible for. Because I say no to someone, I’m helping save their marriage? Um, no. I do, however, have a feeling about the energy that is brought into an experience.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
In lifestyle settings, I noticed a difference around this right away. Maybe this is because we didn’t start swinging until our 40s, which is common, so we’ve all matured into better human beings. Maybe it’s because there is less “pursuing” because you are already with your spouse/partner/FWB. Whatever the reason, it is a more respectful environment and that means women can be their sexual selves.
A slut’s everyday guide to vaginal health
I am not a medical professional. I am an experienced slut and I’ve learned a lot. This is definitely not “medical advice” but it is what I have learned from my own and my friends’ experiences. An Everyday-Practical Guide, for sure not a medical one. Female health when in the lifestyle is extraordinarily important. OK, so is male health, but for anyone who has a vagina, our cases are more complicated. This topic is not just important to one’s health, but also one’s mental health. One cannot be a happy and healthy slut if one is constantly anxious and afraid.
cuddling and other special moments
In the Reddit post I referenced, the original poster’s partner didn’t want him or her “cuddling” after sex with other people. I presume that they were wanting to keep “cuddling” special. That one, however, left me feeling torn. Yes, you can create anything you want between you and your partner—if everyone is consenting—but for me (and most Reddit commenters agreed) not cuddling would be sad (for both) and maybe even rude (to the person outside the partnership). I would not be upset, but I would find it odd if the guy I was with jumped up after and declared that he wouldn’t be allowed to cuddle. While I would, of course, honor that, it would also make me feel that their partner wasn’t truly comfortable with the whole process.
don’t fire the secretary: stress and emotional sovereignty
You can pretty much assume that non-monogamous couples have top-notch communication skills. Well, if they are doing well and are happy in non-monogamy. Through the years, however, my husband and I have stumbled upon a couple issues that I am not sure anyone talks about because they don’t know to talk about them. One of them is this: how willing are you to see your partner under stress?
the very very first time
We ended up closing down the club. At 3:30 the lights were flung on and employees started yelling at everyone that they needed to be out by 4:00. We couldn’t believe the time or how long we had stayed. In the locker room, a woman complimented me on my dress and said she had wanted to buy one like it. You could try it on, I offered. She wanted to so I pulled the dress off and handed it to her, right in front of her husband. None of us blinked an eye. I had no idea who I had become in these four or five hours.
running towards a cliff
I became willing to see and accept that someone else actually added to our own love for each other. These other connections sparked something and brought out a part of him that we, as a couple, benefitted from tremendously. Needed, even. I had to admit something to myself that is difficult for our egos to accept and is, ultimately, the crux of non-monogamy: that we may not (or even cannot) be everything to our partner. I wonder if this alone is what drives much of the negativity towards ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)—this underlying fear of not being everything to one’s partner.
To Tell or Not to Tell
When people get into the lifestyle (LS), they are concerned about anonymity. This is normal, of course, because this is not exactly a generally-accepted practice. People fear they will be discovered by someone they know. Also, when anyone first gets into this, they are not sure they will stay in it, so no need to expose themselves. We all fear not only judgement, but ramifications in our personal and professional lives. Many start with fake names, at least on their profiles, maybe even upon meeting. Profiles are filled with pictures of us with emoji smiley faces covering our own, until we trust someone enough to send them ‘face pics.’ We are all pretty equally scared of being discovered so discretion is a primary value of our tribe.
My annals of anal
I would like to point out the incredible journey that anal sex has made in our culture. From something taboo and almost never talked about outside the context of gay men when I was sexually coming-of-age (teenage years), to now where it seems fairly common and openly spoken about, at least in the context of sex conversations. Maaaybe that’s because I’m a swinger, but I don’t think so as I often see it in popular culture. My personal journey with it has been similar in that I didn’t know about it, to never imagined myself having it, to totally enjoying it. That only took 30-ish years, with most of it happening within the last five. Perhaps similar to its journey in pop culture. I know even amongst my swinger friends this is an iffier proposition, so I thought this might help some people on their own journey with it, if they are on one.
misconCeptions
We are a mature people with rights and feelings (real ones, not just lusty ones). While most of us are just trying to figure out our own way in a non-monogamous world when this isn’t what we were raised to be a part of (let’s just say there is a lot of re-programming going on over here), we are also barraged with a lot of misconceptions about us and our relationships. We might even have our own when we start out. Here are five big ones.
A queen’s buffet
I used to be in marketing, so I am very familiar with spin. Also, I like to write and believe strongly that words matter. I have never liked the term gang bang for a bunch of guys doing one woman, but a Queen’s Buffet, well, this is a story about that.
what you need to be non-monogamous
When people become interested in non-monogamy, swinging or lifestyle clubs or parties, some are concerned about what they need to be in the lifestyle. I’m here to tell you what that is.
Pussy positivity
There is sex positivity and body positivity. Well, now there’s pussy positivity. It has been a journey.
Two-in-one
I wrote this for an SDC contest, “write about your first experience,” a year after my husband and I were in the lifestyle. Now we have been in for almost five and it is interesting to re-read my perspective back then vs. now….Since sharing first experiences is a common and wonderful way to get to know each other, I thought I would kick off the blog with that story.